Biggest Fear
by Thalia Marie Grace
Summary: "And what is your biggest fear?" he asks patiently. He's biting the inside of his lower lip. The room is deadly quiet for a moment between Alec's heartbeats. The monitor drones on. And then I say: "Losing you." [Chapter 23 of Project Marriage in Magnus's POV. Includes Magnus and Alec's exchange in Alec's hospital room. Warning: Heavily fluffy Malec. T.]


**Author's Note: So, Tumblr user lunarosehitachiin, this is for you. And it's also for anyone else who is a Malec shipper or anyone who was just genuinely curious about what Magnus and Alec said to each other in Alec's hospital room.**

**Set roughly at the end of chapter twenty-three of Project Marriage.**

* * *

**Biggest Fear**

* * *

When I started dating Alec Lightwood, I had no idea that it would drag me into all...this.

From the moment I first saw him, I thought he was incredibly attractive. And if you asked anyone I knew, they'd tell you I definitely had a thing for black hair and blue eyes—two things that Alec Lightwood had.

Since then, I've begun to like him more and more. Love him, even.

And that's the reason I blame myself for this.

* * *

I don't remember how long I sit in the hospital room, my face buried in my hands, but it feels like hours. I'm so emotionally drained that I can't even cry, but my throat is swore and it feels like I just tried to eat clay.

_God. _The look on Maryse Lightwood's face when Alec told her about us. The nerve of her when she yelled at her oldest son—the heartless tone she used when she told him he was a disgrace.

Alec was heartbroken. I could see it.

And I almost lost him.

I sync my breathing with the monotone beep of his heart monitor. Alec's chest rises and falls. My chest rises and falls.

I wish this had never happened.

Closing my hand around Alec's, I squeeze it and then I stand up. He's still asleep. I don't know when he'll be awake.

I don't know when Maryse will let me see him again. I don't know _if _she'll let me see him again.

When I leave the room, Isabelle and Simon are leaning against the wall next to the door. Isabelle's dark eyes are sympathetic as she gives my shoulder a squeeze. "You okay?" she asks softly.

"Yeah," I answer. But she knows I'm not okay. "Are you?"

"Yeah." Isabelle responds. But I know she's not okay, either, as she steps into her brother's hospital room a second time.

When she exits, she exhales. "He was awake."

"He was?" my heart pounds.

"He asked for Clary. We should go get her."

My mind drifts as I get back to the waiting room. Clary stands up and she leaves the waiting room. I attempt to sit down, but I'm too nervous.

I should have said something to him, even if he was sleeping. Maybe he wasn't sleeping. Maybe he was pretending to be asleep.

Maybe Alec hates me because this is my fault.

Clary's in there for a while. I check my watch at least three times. And as soon as I catch a glimpse of red out of the corner of my eye, I look up.

"What did Alec say?" I blurt. "Is he okay? Did he say anything about me? Is me mad at me?"

"Magnus." Clary speaks softly. "Calm down."

I inhale. "When I was in there, I...I kind of didn't say—"

"I know." she cuts me off. "Alec told me."

"Oh."

"I also think you should go in there." Clary adds thoughtfully. "Have some time alone with him. Say what you want to and _mean _it, Magnus."

"He isn't going in there again when I haven't even seen my son."

My heart drops. Maryse is standing; eyebrows narrowed in defiance, eyes blazing with what is almost anger.

"He's not your son." Isabelle snaps.

"Oh, shit_." _I say before I can help myself. I don't know much about Isabelle, but Alec has told me one thing: _never _get her pissed off.

"What part of you _thinks _Alec even wants to see you?" snarls Isabelle. Jace stands up, probably to grab Isabelle's arm if needed.

Maryse blinks.

"_You _caused this." Isabelle barrels on. "When Alec told you he was gay, and in a relationship with _another _gay—"

"Bisexual," I correct. Why did I say that? There was no reason for me to say that. "But it doesn't matter," I add.

"—guy, he was _opening _up to you." Isabelle doesn't hear me. Good. That was embarrassing. "And what did you do in return? You screamed at him about how you didn't like what he was doing and how you were disappointed. So he went and tried to _overdose_, and if it weren't for Clary he would be dead right now!"

Clary's expression almost makes me laugh.

"So if any part of you thinks that Alec wants to see you right now, you squash it." Damn. Isabelle Lightwood is freaking scary. "Because Alec sure as hell doesn't want to see you. And I don't think he ever will."

"Go, go, go," says Clary, pushing me. If she hadn't, I would have stood there, shocked, watching the exchange between Isabelle and her mother. "Just go to Alec."

I nearly trip on my way out of the waiting room. I reach Alec's room—number 107—before I know it, and I push the door open.

He's sitting in his bed, poking at the IV embedded in his skin.

"You know, the number one thing I've always hated about hospitals has always been the needles." I say, wrinkling my nose.

Alec looks up, his blue eyes bright. "Magnus."

"Alexander." I answer. He tells me he hates it when I call him by his full first name, but I secretly believe he likes it. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit." he answers. "Do you want to sit down?"

I sit in the hospital chair next to his bed and I look at him. I _really _look at him.

"What?" Alec's eyebrows furrow. "What is it?"

"You look like shit, too," I say, before I can help myself, and instead of being angry, Alec laughs.

He _laughs_, and he puts his hand over mine. "Magnus, it's okay. I'm recovering, but I'm overall fine."

I almost snort. "You're the one who has had the _shittiest _day in the world, and here I am being comforted. By you."

Alec laughs again and squeezes my hand. "Well, in all honesty, you're probably taking this harder than I am."

"Why is that?"

Alec's laughter fades. He looks around at anything except for me. "Because I don't fear death."

It's the simplest sentence, but I feel like I've been stabbed in the gut. "You don't fear death?"

"I don't fear death." Alec confirms.

I wait for him to continue.

"Magnus, I..." he exhales. "I felt bad enough about myself to _end my life_. But what I realised was...I didn't fear it. I wasn't afraid to die."

"If you're trying to reassure me, it's not working." I say quietly.

Alec sighs. "I'm sorry. That's all I can say."

"You know what used to be my biggest fear?" I follow the tile lines on the floor. "Seeing my dad again. I used to have nightmares about what would happen if that bastard ever came near me. What he would do to me. I was _terrified, _Alec, and I still am."

Alec's blue eyes are full of concern. He squeezes my hand, knowing all too well about my father and his...lifestyle.

"But today, I realised something, too." I look up at him. "That's not my biggest fear anymore."

"And what _is _your biggest fear?" he asks patiently. He's biting the inside of his lower lip.

The room is deadly quiet for a moment between Alec's heartbeats. The monitor drones on. And then I say:

"Losing you."

The next moment, his lips are on mine. Did I kiss him? Did he kiss me? I don't care. I lift my hand to cup his face and I kiss him softly, shutting my eyes.

"So, you son of a bitch, don't you dare try anything like that again. Or I'll kill you myself." I say against his lips.

Alec laughs faintly and pulls away, resting his forehead on mine. He's out of breath and the heart monitor is beeping a little quicker than usual, but not fast enough for a nurse to rush in and see a very awkward situation.

I raise my eyebrows at him. "Deal?"

He tells me, "Deal."

And then he kisses me again.

* * *

**Weeeeeeell? Did you guys like it? Are you satisfied?**

**Please review and let me know! (Also, I've been informed that today is Malec Day, so...here's my Malec Day present to you.)**

**Now I'm onto working on chapter nine of Nine Steps Back, and on chapter two of Fighting for the Greater Good, which is my superhero!AU, if you'd like to go check that out.**

**But if I don't end up updating for a while, then Happy Christmas! And if I do end up updating before then...well, then just ignore that. Heh.**


End file.
